Monday, May 14, 2007

Pouty from PMS

Ooh. I am soooo pouty and I know it is from PMS. This month seems worse than those in recent past (prompting this post) and I'm not sure why. All I know is that not only am I suffering, but those around me are, as well. You should have seen me trying to help my son with his drum lesson homework - not even the drums are safe!

I can deal with the cramps, the bloating, the munchies and occasional zit. My problem is with the PMS Crazies. What are the Crazies? When I can cry at the drop of a dime, when my body feels entirely anxious for no apparent reason, when anyone can completely piss me off by doing something that normally wouldn't make me flinch, when I put on an outfit that usually is sure-fire sexy but instead makes me feel like the dumpiest, frumpiest woman in existence.

I know the Crazies are only temporary. In fact, for me they immediately dissipate at the first sign of my period. But before that blissful moment, how do I avoid donating my entire wardrobe to anyone I believe would look better in it, breaking up with my boyfriend and cutting off all my hair just after dying it pink.

Which makes me wonder - maybe Britney Spears was only suffering from the PMS Crazies and not the Regular Crazies. But I digress!

The truth is I need your help! My son needs your help! My boyfriend needs your help! The sales representative at NuSkin with whom I tried, unsuccessfully to place an order this morning needs your help. How do you fight your very own Crazies?

My mom suggested Valium, but since I don't have any I started with a few shots of Rescue Remedy under my tongue. Then I grabbed for the progesterone cream and, as I rubbed it in, prayed to the God of PMS for a peaceful mind and safe removal of the Crazies. Next I went to the gym to try and naturally create some endorphins. All this and I still need a kick in the pants. Maybe I'll reach for some Gaba, a natural Chill Pill - it'll make me sleepy but at least I'll be calmer.

Lists. I'll make some lists to remind me of what is good in my life, of all the good things my boyfriend does for me, of how deliciously edible my son is, how I'm right where I'm supposed to be in life.

Pampering. I've gotta make an appointment for a massage, facial, manicure or pedicure - something to relax me and help to release this frenetic energy.

Distraction. Work. A good book. US Magazine. What's on my Tivo? Sometimes a little media-anesthetic does just the trick.

Shopping. No. Not while PMS'ing. Who knows what I'll see in the dressing room mirror or if I'll decide after 33 years that Birkenstocks actually do fit my personality.

All right. The Gaba's kickin in. I think it is safe for me to re-enter the world. In the meantime email me with remedies for the Crazies. I still have two and a half days to go.

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